The Borowitz Report

Things continue to spiral down into catastrophe with POTUS47 and his bosses Elon and Vlad, and sure, I've got opinions and thoughts about that, but I'm not going to share them just now because (a) I'm at least a day behind the news and whatever I post here now would likely be obsolete already, superseded by even more catastrophic horribleness; and (b) this is one of those "things other people said" posts.

Leading off, Andy Borowitz. The satirist has been on a roll of late, and, sure, he's been given a mountain of material so you can only imagine what didn't make his cut for publication. Here are a few of Andy's recent gems:

RFK Jr.’s Confirmation Hailed By National Alliance of Funeral Directors

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.’s confirmation as Health and Human Services Secretary on Thursday received a rousing thumbs-up from some of his most prominent supporters, the National Alliance of Funeral Directors.

“For years, the funeral industry has suffered as a result of the Democratic Party’s unabashed anti-death agenda,” the group said in an official statement. “We are confident that Secretary Kennedy will make death great again.”

But the confirmation drew a less enthusiastic reaction from one of Kennedy’s detractors, the worm who spent several years feasting on his brain.

“As a worm, you’d expect me to be pro-death,” the worm said. “But this is insane.”

In a more muted comment, Dr. Mehmet Oz said, “Well, at least I won’t be the biggest quack in the government.”

Putin Agrees to Negotiate with Musk over Ownership of Trump

MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Vladimir Putin has entered into negotiations with Elon Musk over the ownership of Donald J. Trump, the Kremlin confirmed on Tuesday.

Those negotiations, however, are proving contentious, as the Russian president is arguing that, having fully owned Trump between 2017 and 2021, he is entitled to a majority stake now.

For his part, Musk claims that he purchased Trump outright by spending nearly $300 million on his 2024 campaign.

In one heated exchange, Musk reportedly told the Russian leader, “You’re being greedy, Vlad—you already own Tulsi.”

Europe United in Belief That JD Vance is a Prick

MUNICH (The Borowitz Report)—Crediting the vice president with ushering in a new era of European solidarity, attendees at the Munich Security Conference left Friday’s session united in the belief that JD Vance is a prick.

“I came to Munich full of skepticism that we as a group of nations could find common ground on anything,” Danish delegate Hartvig Dorkelson said. “That all changed the moment that asshat Vance opened his mouth.”

Though he was grateful that all the nations of Europe could agree that Vance is a ginormous dick, Dorkelson warned against taking this historic consensus for granted.

“I worry that our unity could be short-lived,” he said. “So we must invite that fucker to speak again next year.”

Next up, via our friend Craig, is US District Court Judge Ana Reyes, who presided over a hearing regarding POTUS47’s executive order banning transgender Americans from the military. She had the following exchange with Department of Justice lawyer Jason Lynch, after failing to get a clear response from Lynch about whether the language of the EO is prejudicial. “The government is not willing to take a position [that] to categorically call a group of people selfish is demeaning?” she said. “The answer is ‘yes it is,’ ‘no it isn’t,’ or ‘I can’t say.’” Lynch continued to evade, which begat this:

REYES: This is a policy from the President of the United States affecting thousands of people ... [that calls] an entire group of people lying dishonest people who are undisciplined, immodest, and have no integrity. How is that anything other than showing animus?

LYNCH: I don't have an answer for you.

REYES: You do have an answer, you just don't want to give it.

The EO also attacks "radical gender ideology," a term no lawyer has been able to define in court.

REYES: If you can't articulate what radical gender ideology means, how is the defense secretary going to know what it means?

LYNCH: I'm loathe to speculate [what the president meant].

REYES: It's not like I randomly picked you off the street. You're the government's representative here.

May we have more like this from the courts, please.

Batting third, Joanne Carducci (AKA @JoJoFromJerz), who on a podcast dubbed Elon Musk "Phony Stark," which made me laugh heartily.

And the cleanup hitter, a poor sap named Staci White in Nebraska, who voted for POTUS47 and has entered the "find out" portion of FAFO:

Dang, why didn't I just pick Kamala?

Good question.

Tagged Politics, President VonClownstick, Andy Borowitz, Posted on February 20, 2025 at 12:29AM   |   Permalink   |     |  

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